Tour 2002

A rather dreary and drizzly Monday morning and around Ansty the tourists are beginning to gather for the 2002 tour. This year there are going to be 6 tour virgins making their way to Wellington. Sitwell as ever is driving down on his own while Jon Hill and Baz Watling are also taking their cars. Brian Fletcher will join the party at the Cleve Hotel this evening after spending the day at an exhibition.

Sitwell in his well oiled routine pops into the ground at Ansty to find the 'Choice' vehicle already waiting for the rest of the bus party before setting off to collect Motty and Ray.

Sitwell now known as 'Wrinkly' or 'Fossil' even by some of the younger members of the Club bids his farewells and departs determined to get to the Hotel and make sure his single room is OK. Sitwell is told that Gerald will now also make his own way to Somerset as he thinks it pointless in driving for an hour when that time will see him half way to the Hotel.

The A272 is busier than usual this morning and as Sitwell's luck is the same as ever he decides that a call for nature is required at the next town. However Sitwell is stuck in a line of slow moving traffic and so he decides, having seen Ferrari's pit stop strategy, to stop at the next convenient hedge. He is soon back on the road and yes the strategy seems to have worked, as the road ahead is now clear.

Sitwell arrives at the Hotel to find Gerald already in the tour spirit taking a drink in the bar. Sitwell joins him in a social drink.

Keith takes Sitters and Gerald on the grand tour of the new facilities - very good the lads will enjoy them!

Baz arrives with Alan and they are shown the pool etc. by Brian and Gerald who are asked to leave their drinks at reception before proceeding. Fancy that!

The tour bus has arrived at the same time as Jon Hill and Andy Jarvis. This pair arrives with an odd story about a tour of the New Forest while the bus party has had a 'Mare' in Mere. Stopping to top up on the beer they made a wrong turning and went in totally the wrong direction.

After catching up with the staff at the Hotel the party troop off to their respective rooms - for some a climb that may cause problems later after a few bevies!

Mark has not made an appearance and it is thought unlikely that he will join us this year after all. The match tonight is against the Hotel and we are informed that the Hotel is possibly two short. Most of the party piles into the bus while Sitwell takes Baz W. As is usual on tour there are always missing players at times and sure enough two missing members are seen scurrying towards the bus. Unfortunately for Stewie all are watching as he slips down an embankment and lands on his back close to the bus. The bus leads but not for too long as they turn left well before the correct turning. That bus does not know its way about, does it?

New boy Alan is Captain and Ansty field first restricting The Cleve to 105. Gerald and Pierre are playing for the hotel. Slim (54*) and Nice Bloke (29*) wrap up an 8 wicket win. Stack who worked at the hotel until just recently was playing and struck several lusty blows in their innings. Nice to see him once again as he has been missed around the hotel.

Slim nearly killed 2nd slip as he reversed pulled a ball to the boundary - some shot that! Richard Nichols thought that a spot of hurdling was just the ticket - until he came to grief having failed to clear the obstacle. Chasing the ball to the boundary he tried to leap a pipe barrier only to slide along it before landing on his back on the other side. Everyone creased up with laughter but it was a relief to see him get up without injury.

After the match The Cleve supplied us with food to the usual high standards. Fletch makes his appearance and is soon enjoying a beer or two. Many drinks were consumed before once again the candle made an appearance. Now those on tour will know what this means and nothing will allow me to dwell further on this subject! However another very amusing incident came when Nice Bloke lit up the night sky over Wellington.

The award for the most stupid action this year is a 'Scarecrow Award' made from straw and this is unanimously awarded to Rich for his ballet interpretation earlier at Wellington's ground. However he did have competition from Gerald, who was as loud as ever, trying to lift the Cleve and Dave 'Squawks' Hawke who could not throw straight for his life this evening. Rich now has to carry this item wherever he goes until the next award ceremony. As ever, more drinks slip down throats before even the hardiest finally call it a day and head for some sleep.

Tuesday and the forecast is not good. Wellington phone and advise us that they are unable to field a team for the afternoon although an evening match will take place. The lads eventually turn up for breakfast and this is thoroughly enjoyed by everyone. As has happened before on tour Nice Bloke is last down, this time with Rich, but only just manage to arrive a couple of minutes before the end of breakfast! The time for forfeits has arrived and these are many and varied. These have to be carried out tomorrow Wednesday. Some are fairly straightforward, some decidedly not!

As cricket is delayed thoughts of going to see Somerset play are put forward only to be dashed when we realise that no match is being played today. Killer snooker is being played and the eventual winner is Ray Slaughter. News of a spot of cheating has been relayed to the Fines Committee and 'Pierre' is informed a fine will need paying. Moving a ball by hand indeed!

Some indecision about what to do prompts Fletch, Jon, Pierre, Alan, Squawks and Sitwell to practice catching with a tennis ball - oh dear! Not so much catching as dropping practice! No one seems to want to do too much, so some go into Wellington to purchase those last minute shopping list items.

An unfortunate accident has occurred in the drive to the Hotel that prevents the drive being used until Police have concluded their investigation. A young girl working as a home help has come off her cycle and has sustained serious head injuries. Police say that she is critically ill in hospital.

The new swimming pool and fitness centre has seen a lot of use already. Most of the lads take their towels to their rooms to dry but not our Rich who gets his done in the hotel dryer!

It has been raining for a while now and Brian is told that the match is now off completely. Another tour match lost to rain!

The hotel is asked to provide an evening meal and this is arranged without fuss. Baz W finally gets the annual snooker tournament under way.

Although still drizzling the tour virgins agree to a game of 'Stumps' although they are not too sure what this entails. Much fun is provided as they run in various directions trying to complete the course. Mowie wins while Jon Hill brings up the rear.

Rich is spotted not carrying the scarecrow with him several times and he has to scurry away to retrieve the 'Award'.

Rich is Judge this tour and he hands out fines with the same vigour as the previous incumbent. However this time round he fines himself the most for various offences during the day and yesterday. The one thing that Rich wants most is to rid himself of that scarecrow! Fortunately Squawks has put his name on the list for falsely claiming that he could the impossible at stumps. Because of this he does indeed receive the scarecrow.

There is a subdued atmosphere, not because the hotel is host to a Cadet School dressed in dinner jackets, but the lack of a match is once again catching up with the tourists. Towards the end of the evening a streaker is seen running about the gardens in the rain - is this a forfeit or some other ritual? Whoever this is must be enjoying himself as he hurls himself head first down the bank outside.

Nice Bloke suggests a new game to play called 'Freeman Hardy & Willis' and the party finds this quite a laugh.

Only the hardy are left in the bar as most retire either for sleep or to watch the highlights of the Sri Lankan match on telly.

Wednesday sees Sitwell up at 8 o'clock but when he gets to breakfast there are about half of the players already eating. Because of yesterdays rain everyone feels that the match against Fitzhead will be called off. Sitwell makes several calls only to be told that the match is on, great news! Fitzhead might also require a player or two. Perhaps someone will suggest Gerald again, surely he would jump at the chance? The snooker tournament is continuing and a shock is soon felt as Ray falls to the old boy Sitwell. Fancy that - must have been something that Ray had on his mind at the start of the match. Stewie beats Gerald but no one else is prepared to play their matches as swimming and relaxing take precedence. Sitwell receives a fax from a very unhappy chappie but this does not stop the odd drink or two before we have to set off for Fitzhead. Now no one can remember how to get to the ground exactly so they follow signs to Fitzhead. Gerald with Fletch as navigator is leading with the bus behind and Sitwell with Baz W bringing up the rear. Nearing Fitzhead Sitwell gets ahead of the bus while Gerald goes past the entrance to the ground followed by Sitwell. The bus of course turns neatly into the ground followed in turn by Sitwell and Gerald.

Stewie is asked to play for Fitzhead until their player turns up but manages to get a bat much to the chagrin of Rich as the former carts him for many a run over mid wicket. Shabba finally susses him out and Stewie is sent back to the pavilion. After batting he helps in finding lost cricket balls launched by Rich into the next field. To get into the field a style has to be used and Stewie managed to get this wrong by falling off it. Possibly a 'scary' moment? Rich goes on to retire on 101no and Ansty scrape a win in the final over chasing 241 in 40 overs. Rog and Jim travelled to join us from their base at Butlins. After the match we stop at the local pub for a meal. Sitters has to ask twice for his portion of chips as he is overlooked, oh dear! The meal finished, and what a good meal it was, the locals are treated to our tour song that involves everyone standing up on chairs and singing and gesturing. Even the pub landlady is forced to join in along with some of the opposition for good measure. On the way back to the Cleve, Gerald turns one way while the bus and Sitwell go back the way they came - well almost! Slim takes the bus for a trip up a farm track! Oh what fun we do have. Jarvo has had to dress as a female all day as his forfeit and has been tremendous all day. Back at the hotel drinks are once again flowing in the spirit of these tourists.

The girl's school is once again using the hotel for their dinner and they hope to receive entertainment from the lads. However this year is not going to be the best as only a handful want to provide entertainment. In the end another quick rendition of the Sunshine Song is given and a hasty retreat back to the bar. Baz C returns from the hall where he has just heard strange noises. Most follow him back to the hall where Stewie is amusing himself by singing into the Mic all alone. After a good laugh the bar is once again the centre of the evening. Sitwell is requested to join in one of the drinking games but is soon finding life difficult. He just cannot get his lines right and so ends up drinking a forfeit. Not once but many times! Fortunately Robbie calls a halt to these festivities and Sitwell goes to bed with a stonking headache - ahhhh. Surprisingly Motty wins the 'Scarecrow' for his umpiring earlier this afternoon when he called no-ball for two players behind square instead of three. Mind you he was prompted to do this but when he called the instigator had moved in front of square. A real case of stitching up.

Thursday promises fine weather and Slim is first to breakfast. The hotel is going to be busy this morning and we will have to move later so that the hotel can accommodate everyone. To the amazement of those at breakfast Motty arrives without his companion 'Scary'. Will this be a big fine? To follow tradition Baz C appears well after breakfast but does not appear to be worried by the lack of nourishment. Today is the day that the shopping list is to be judged and most, even including the old Sitwell, have been seen with carrier bags of goodies. Baz W organises the 2nd round of the snooker competition while others take some sun or visit the pool once again. Before we set off to Brompton Ralph, Rich calls everyone to order for now is the time for judgement.

Most do well with a few items missing but Fletch has to excel and comes up with everything on the list - must have cost a fortune. Of course there has to be one who has not bothered at all, and this for a change is not Sitwell. One of the tour virgins, Alan, admits that he has not one item from the list and he pays a heavy fine for this misdemeanour. Other fines are levied at this point and several players are lighter in pocket as we set off for Brompton Ralph. Slim is skipper today in what will be a tough test for the tourists. Ansty bat first but all is not well as Rich and then Slim return to the pavilion without their usual high scores. Believe it or not Sitwell top scores with 32. Gerald and Stewie bat well and the rest of the side manage to post a total of 171-8. Shabba is unlucky getting caught at mid off by a diving two handed catch the like of which will not be seen again on tour. During the batting thoughts have turned to food for this evening as Brompton haven't been asked to provide a BBQ. An order for a Chinese meal is finally agreed but then someone says the Barbie has been lit. Oh dear poor old Sitwell is in trouble again! Brompton start their batting and are soon well on course to win as the ball finds the boundary with regularity. However the spirit of Ansty is raised as their batsmen fall one by one. This game is going to be tight. Fielders' scurry about stopping balls that look certain boundaries but eventually Brompton hit the winning run. After changing we retire to the bar where the burgers and sausages are consumed along with a little liquid for good measure. The home side is challenged to a game of stumps and they rather reluctantly agree. They are pitted against our very best team. All goes well for the tourists at first but these lads from Brompton Ralph must have played this before, as they are triumphant at the end. The journey back to the hotel is wet, as the rain has arrived as forecast. Sitwell and Baz W stop on the way back for food but the bus returns directly to the hotel. Of course food smells good when you are still a little hungry and so the rest decide that they should go and get a Chinese meal to bring back and eat in the hotel. Jon decides on a Pizza and orders one for delivery.

Various games of snooker are played and the final night of drinking is soon in full swing once again. Finally everyone is heading for bed looking forward to return to their loved ones in the morning.

Thursday morning and Sitwell is up early making sure he has not left anything behind. Breakfast is well attended this morning, as everyone is busy tucking into the good food once again. The snooker competition is finally drawing to a close, as the last couple of matches are under way. Once again the winner is Barry W, he who brings his own cue! Well done Barry. Sitwell is paying the hotel once again having collected almost everyone's money. The credit card will groan a little paying this bill.

Most of the party is sitting around relaxing and taking a last drink before setting off. Fletch has already gone and Jon and Jarvo are next to set off. Just five minutes later Jon walks through the door to announce that Jarvo has mislaid his wallet. A worried looking man follows while some of the party suggests various places to look. The bus is searched and many more places until a certain hard man, who knows people, puts his finger on exactly where the errant wallet is. Well done Pierre! A relieved and happier Jarvo sets off once more for home. One of the hotel staff mentions that there has been something going on and the return journey might be eventful. At this a search is made of the bus once again that turns up a piece of chicken in the glove box. Jarvo is instantly recognised as the perpetrator of this and will be spoken to when next seen! Farewells are made and finally the tour bus, Sitwell and Barry W begin their journey back to Sussex having once again enjoyed a wonderful and eventful tour. One other thing happened on the way back when burning was smelt in the bus at Shoreham. A wire had shorted and the insulation had melted. Slim made adjustments and the party arrived at Ansty without further mishap.

Everyone on tour would wish to thank the staff of the Cleve and those Clubs we played for their hospitality and we look forward to returning next year.